You may have already read the three winning submissions. We wanted to also share these three honorable mentions, let you do your own comparisons and – perhaps – be all the better a reader/writer for it.

SCRIPT READER: GERMAINE SIMS

OVERALL: Before I Wake is a fantasy action adventure feature that centers on the exploits of a feisty twelve year old computer hacker named Hanna. The project has elements reminiscent of role-player video games: science-fiction based universe, party of characters embarking on a quest, the solving of a riddle central to the conclusion of the storyline, protagonist with special powers/abilities, combat sequences, and thematic elements which explore the possible destruction of the universe. Thematically the project also explores the concepts of alienation and loss, coming of age, rebellion, and strained family relationships.

Visually, Before I Wake, could be realized utilizing a variety of methods (i.e Live Action, Animation, CGI, Anime). While the premise presents the possibility of franchise and ancillary marketing options, the story/character development needs reworking to fully capitalize on any of these possible opportunities.

PREMISE: Before I Wake has promising aspects; however, the narrative veers into a number of directions causing the storyline to feel unfocused. The project may best be served by reducing the premise to its fundamental elements, rather than combining so many competing variables into one storyline.

The strength of the project lies in the crux of the premise: A crafty adolescent girl hacks a virtual network operating system in order to save society from being obliterated by a virus rigged to destroy humanity. Hone in on this aspect of the concept.

Despite the science-fiction element, there is an aspect of this concept that feels dated. Some sequences read like early internet circa AOL era. Any attempts to delve into the techie world requires a tremendous amount of research and foresight. It may be helpful to conduct research in publications like (MIT Review), or online educational databases like (iSeekEduction, RefSeek, Virtual LRC). The teenage hacker premise is edgy and entertaining, just be careful to convey Hanna’s world in a manner that will be novel for the audience.

STRUCTURE: The project delivers a story with a discernable beginning, middle, and end ultimately driving to a conclusion; however, the narrative is overladen with far too many components. As the script stands now, the complicated and top-heavy narrative circumvents the opportunity for future franchises.

Fundamentally, there are two different stories in this project: Hanna’s search for the truth about how her mom died, and Nanako’s journey to learn the truth about her origin. An argument can be made for why these two storylines thematically support one another. Yet, this project may benefit from breaking these two storylines into two separate scripts.

Allowing Hanna’s story to be the sole premise driving events, could strengthen the overall potential of Before I Wake, as well as provide an opportunity for future installments. Hanna is an intriguing protagonist, but there are a number of facets in her experiences that are left unexplored, simply because the current draft tries to go in so many different directions. There is enough potential for conflict in both Hanna and Nanako’s experiences to carry two separate screenplays.

The overladen narrative also causes problems with believability. Science-fiction and fantasy based features are dependent on the ability to effectively establish the logic of the world that is being created. There is so much going on in Before I Wake that many questions are left unanswered. For example, information is revealed about how Baptiste created Raven (109). However, by the end of the project we still have no idea why Baptiste created Raven in the first place? What purpose did Raven serve in Baptiste’s life? How does Raven’s creation relate to Baptiste and Maya’s relationship? Is Maya a form of Artificial Intelligence? If so, where did she come from? Furthermore, we are told Baptiste has been luring girls for an experiment (59.6), but we never learn the purpose the experiment serves. How are the girl’s disappearances connected to Maya and Baptiste? Why were the AI children created?

Artificial Intelligence, Virtual Reality, viruses, the end of humanity as we know it, Smoke Raven, ghosts, gaming, family dysfunction, maniacal scientist: these are just a few of the topics touched on in the script. Focus on simplifying the story and develop the logic for chosen science- fiction elements. For example, the film Her (2013), centers on a man (Theodore) falling in love with his computer operating system. A far-fetched concept is conveyed believably because so much time is spent developing the rules of Theodore’s world, and the sci-fi elements are not entirely reliant on action sequences.

CHARACTERS: Hanna is a strong protagonist. She has a back-story and wants/needs that give her a compelling reason to work towards an identifiable goal. The project contains an ensemble cast offering roles that may be attractive to a variety of actors. Although this project has role-player video game conventions (i.e. party working toward a common goal), there are far too many supporting characters. A number of the supporting characters are interesting, but they distract from the through-line of the story and distort Hanna’s character arc. Characters typically need to experience growth or change by the end of the story. Although Hanna discovers the truth about her mother’s death (124), she does not experience any significant internal or external shift as a result of her discovery. In the beginning of the project she is headstrong and at the end of the project she still has the same “bad-ass” quality.

Spend more time developing the relationship between Hanna and Conrad. The narrative alludes to Conrad’s absentee status (43.8) and Hanna’s disappointment about being neglected by her dad (54.9). This is a wise choice by the writer because emotional subtext gives fantasy based stories a sense of “realness.” For example, Dawn of the Planet of the Apes (2014) is a compelling feature because the character relationships are well developed. The drama is derived from the character’s emotional conflicts, not just sci-fi action sequences. Further exploration of Hanna and Conrad’s relationship will build more conflict.

Before I Wake alludes to a possible love interest developing between Hanna and Max (26.9), but never follows through with exploring this relationship. Action projects typically have a romance sub-plot. Although, there is a love interest storyline between Oku and Jimmy, the project may best be served by focusing on Hanna and Max’s budding relationship.

The project also needs a stronger antagonist. Antagonists typically serve the role of blocking the protagonist from reaching their goal. There are no direct competing interests between Baptiste and Hanna. Because the storyline is so convoluted, Hanna is inadvertently going up against Baptiste and the Smoke Raven simply because a supporting character convinces her to do so. The protagonist and antagonist should go toe-to-toe based on directly competing interests.

FURTHER SUGGESTIONS: Edit for typos (i.e. there are some spelling/grammar issues in the opening sequence). Before I Wake has promising elements. Developing a stronger antagonist and paring down the story may strengthen the project. Spend subsequent rewrites focusing on emotion, clarity, and simplification.

ABOUT GERMAINE SIMS: Germaine Sims is a Script Reader/Story Analyst who has provided script coverage and development services for a variety of entertainment professionals.  Contact her for script consultant services at her website or email.

SCRIPT READER: DEREK USTRUCK

LOGLINE: A young girl fights to save all of humanity when a virtual reality simulation goes wrong.

SYNOPSIS: In 19^th Century Europe, sisters, SARAH (13) and NANAKO (8), are on the run from a smoke raven- a supernatural beast. Sarah uses her powers to transport them to a far off jungle, but it doesn’t work. The beast is still on their trail. Nanako gives it a shot- she has the powers, too. They shift, once more, onto a boat. Something goes wrong; Sarah’s powers make her ill. The Smoke Raven appears, they were only playing tag.

Sarah is called in front of her father, BAPTISTE, on a floating platform. He rather, callously, sentences her to death by disintegration.

We flash to HANNA (12), as she follows her father, CONRAD and his friends OKU and JIMMY into a competition arena, where they are competing in a high-stakes version of laser tag. She gets them banned from the tournament for two weeks- that is until the opponent’s team leader, SAM, forgives the error. The game is on. Hanna wins the match with an incredible whirlwind power.

Outside of the game, life is a bit more humdrum. Conrad orders her to visit her GRANDFATHER, but not before her sentient robot dog RAGS makes her a sandwich.

We learn about the CRASH: a VR event that killed 3 million people, through the eyes of Oku, Jimmy, and Sam.

RANSOM wasn’t expecting Hanna, but he needs help with the turbines, she obliges. There are drawbacks to entering the VR world, Hanna’s mother was killed there (doesn’t say it here, but it might as well).

Back on the ship with Baptiste, Nanako is adjusted with some sort of upload… the same one that caused her sister to be terminated.

At the house, Hanna goes back into the VR with Rags. She is limited to the kid’s server- run by the Baptiste Corporation (though there is no way to know that Baptiste is Baptiste).

Meanwhile, Nanako is sent back to the same European town. Her task is to break through a door. When she asks about her sister’s fate, Baptiste offers only vague responses. Baptiste is revealed to be an Avatar. His true form is sickly and on the verge of death.

Deep inside the castle, Hanna encounters a ghost, MELIES, who wants to hire her for a job. She wants to take a beat to think about it. At her home, she finds her father has escaped into cyberspace, where he can interact with memories of her dead mother- who turns out to have been a hacker.

Back in the real world, Baptiste announces a grand party, while assuring people that the CRASH that killed so many will never happen again. (what is the plot of this film)? Hanna decides to enter Baptiste’s secure tower (when/why?) It says that Melies told her to, but that is not in the text. At the tower, Hanna is subjected to the same process that Nanako experienced. Conrad wakes to find his daughter is gone. In the tower, the Smoke Raven guides Hanna to Baptiste while Rags guides Conrad through a replay of the Castle. Here we discover Melies offer: he has opened the door for her to enter the tower. Conrad assembles his team: they are going after his daughter.

Nanako is introduced to Hanna who gives her some vague and unsettling answers to her questions. Hanna promises to take Nanako with her when she escapes.

Conrad and his team are with Melies, we find that he was the child of Maya Baptiste (though there is no way to know who she is)- and he is AI and haunted by the ghosts of the crash victims. Melies informs Conrad of Baptiste’s diabolical plan to create AI from orphan girls and its origins with his wife, Maya’s illness.

Hanna and Nanako create a diversion and occupy the Smoke Raven so that they can infiltrate Baptiste’s office. Nanako’s real body dies, she is only real on the server now. They discover that the Smoke Raven is the virus that caused so many deaths.

The girls continue to press forward; they find the back door into the office and enter.

The next night, Conrad and his team enter the party with false credentials. With fifteen minutes between visits from the Smoke Raven, the girls fan out again. Finding themselves at a locked door, Hanna starts to hack it. They use a rocket that Hanna constructs to infiltrate the spaceship where Baptiste’s office is hidden.

During the party, Baptiste’s real body dies and freezes his avatar. Once again, CPR brings him back to life. The Smoke Raven removes him from the party, and Conrad, et al follow.

In the mainframe control room, the virus that claimed her sister overtakes Nanako, but Hanna stops it before it can overwhelm her. Meanwhile, Conrad and the team search through the labyrinthine palace for the server. He stumbles upon Baptiste uploading himself to the server. The Smoke Raven takes Jimmy. Hanna and Nanako manage to connect the private server to the real world- they have a chance.

Baptiste reveals to Conrad that this server is private so that they can contain the Smoke Raven, before he can upload himself the process fails. He evaporates- it’s too late. The girls realize what they have done. Now, they have to stop the Smoke Raven. Rags joins with the girls, and transforms into a winged beast.

Melies joins Conrad and Oku. They watch as the Smoke Raven wreaks havoc on the server. Another Crash is imminent.

Hanna attacks, but the Smoke Raven knocks her out. Oku heals her while Rags distracts the beast. Rags is defeated, but the battle rages on. Nanako and Melies join forces, they invade the Smoke Raven and defeat it. (somehow Jimmy is back). Hanna is briefly reunited with the ghost of her mother, who heaps adulation upon her daughter.

A few months down the road, the players are back in the battle game. Everybody is happy, and Hanna is a star player and Max (mentioned once a hundred pages ago, is her boyfriend).

COMMENTS: Before I Wake is an imaginative romp in speculative fiction. The writers have constructed an elaborate and complex world, replete with its own rules and version of the AI playground that we have seen in such novels as Neuromancer and Ready Player One. It uses familiar shortcuts that we have seen in films like The Matrix and Strange Days to lighten the expositional load on the reader/viewer.

The characters, while not the most original, are fairly well-drawn, though there is some trouble disambiguating Hanna, Anna, and Nanako as their overall motivations seem to be fairly similar. That being said, relying on archetypical characters in this venue limits the depth that can be added. The screenplay focuses on the experiences of Hanna, a young girl blessed with preternatural skills to traverse the VR landscape that millions of people inhabit. Thankfully, the script does not explore at great length the platitude of “the real world is more exciting than the virtual” as so many in this genre do.

The authors succeed in creating a work that follows the principals of rising action- the script and its stakes do increase as the story progresses, and the energy level maintains a fairly frenetic pace through out.

Despite its achievements, I cannot recommend this script for development. While none of the reasons, individually, warrant a pass. Cumulatively, they detract enough from the value of the property to prevent engagement.

VIABILITY: Before I Wake is a prohibitively expensive film to make with any reasonable production value. Even if it were to be considered as an animation project (though serialized TV might be an option: see later notes), the costs of building such a stand-alone without pre-existing IP are too great. Furthermore, the target demographic is hard to discern. I am confident that the script would generate a PG-13 rating, however, the market for PG-13 Animation and/or Sci-Fi films of this scope is rather small.

PLOT: A general note, would be to simplify the story. At page 58, there was finally a clear direction- a mission. This is way too late for the audience to be told what the protagonist is trying to accomplish, and way too late for the journey to begin. Trimming elements of the film, and truly understanding what the story is meant to be will dramatically affect that sense of meandering malaise that overwhelms the first third of the script. What is the film about? Why is Hanna chosen? These questions need to be answered far earlier. Without that, the script seems to be exceedingly episodic as the reader struggles for the teleological principle that underpins and guides the film.

The structure of the film is fairly linear, but the writers’ frequent use of cutaways and flashbacks bogs the film down at times. This is particularly noticeable once the protagonists have entered the server- as there is no real visual differentiation in the spaces, and, outside of the slugs, there is no way to ground the reader and, by extension, the viewer. The screenwriters also overuse a melodramatic story-telling device by withholding information from the reader that the protagonist uses to inform their decision making process. They then dole that information back out using flashbacks, effectively derailing the momentum of the film. This is also, quite literally, the opposite of dramatic irony. However, since most of these flashbacks fill in beats that the savvy audience member would have divined via gestalt, even the “Oceans 11 plan” trope doesn’t function at the level that justifies its inclusion. At 128 pages, the script is too long. Removing the copious amounts of flashbacks and cross-cutting of the A and B stories would dramatically trim page count, and provide space for elements that need to be expanded, such as…

CHARACTER: The characters make sense, but that’s because we have seen them all: the Father struggling with the loss of the mother, the wunderkind bucking against authority as a way of dealing with loss, and the scientist who has lost his way on account of a great loss. These are off-the-shelf genre tropes, and ostensibly a great shortcut to telling films that have a certain dialectical quality. It is, though, the duty of the screenwriter to conceive unique plot beats that differentiate these characters from those that we have seen so many times. What is unique about their vocabulary? How does their world-view shape their decision-making? What are the universals made specific that makes me love this protagonist. How is this protagonist different from the other characters? (They should either be perfect for the task, or the least qualified). The complicated plot gets in the way of character development. There are only so many pages in a screenplay, and using them economically is what good writers do best. Integrating plot and character beats is the best way to handle exposition. The previously mentioned abundance of flashbacks is generally one of the weakest (except when they are not). There could be something to limiting the number of characters in the script. As it stands now, there are too many poorly drawn actors in the story. It would be more effective to see fewer well-drawn characters.

VOICE: It’s always hard for teams to develop a truly unique voice on the page, but that’s not in the scope of this assessment. There are some fundamental issues with the style and flair of the authors. Firstly, there are some formatting errors. This is not a deal breaker, but the lack of use of CAPS for sound effects, etc. is a lost opportunity to infuse some excitement into the script. At even more fundamental level, the syntax of the writers needs to be more dynamic. I am being sold a visual story, not an intellectual one. Finding ways to construct sentences that aren’t SUBJECT, VERB, OBJECT are of paramount importance, but one of the key skillsets missing is the capability to turn vague ideas into visual beats. Each line of action should be a shot in the readers mind. “Nanako takes his hand in hers: is an example. How would this be shot? “Fingers loop together. Nanako and Melies join hands.” The descriptive acumen of the writers needs to be significantly improved. The visual elements of the fantasy world could be more dynamically drawn and rendered for the reader’s mind’s eye. Ultimately, the area, which needs the most substantial improvement, is the emotional engagement of the characters to the viewers. That is the lynchpin of successful storytelling- finding characters that the audience will follow anywhere.

CONCLUSION: The authors clearly have an imagination. The prospects of this film being produced are very small, though there might be more opportunity if it were to be reworked into a 30 minute YA animated series. It will, after more revisions, be a workable sample that they might use to find representation and/or use as a calling card in search of assignment work. I would highly suggest spending the next couple months deconstructing the script to its essential elements, making a more diligent effort to track the emotional storyline, and stream-line the plot so that space can be used in service of the previous goals, before submitting Before I Wake to either contests or agents/managers.

SCRIPT READER: JESSICA ROSE

Before I start the review, I want to say that the hope is you are able to have this script finalized for marketing as soon as possible, because it is a great concept and is an amazing, creative story that is very detailed with absolute perfect imagination that comes to life on the pages.

With that being said, although we can compare this story to The Hunger Games as far as the futurist part, your script is another layer of actions that are not too farfetched for the future and very believable. The characters have great descriptions and build.

One thing I could not find was a typo. None whatsoever, which makes a great compliment in itself, however, in the need to be able to follow the story, I feel the below suggestions will make it an easier read for a producer without taking away from the imagination of the reader’s mind.

The below bullet points are not in any order, but I feel will make the script an easier read:

• Except for the narrative “set up” scenes at the beginning of the script and some throughout, there was too much narrative in the pages. Rework the narratives and show the story you are telling through your characters’ dialogues.
• Cut the script to 120 pages. Although there are exceptions, fitting it to 90-120 pages is one of the first things some producers look at, no matter how OCD and/or procedural that may seem.
• Combine some of the scenes. There are two dimensions going on and I feel they jump around too much. Although I see why they jump from one to the other and can understand, there are several scenes you can combine together in one of the dimensions before jumping to the other. This will also make it more understandable for those “not out there” minds. There are also some scene headings that can be a continuation from the prior scene where the narrative describes the location, however, from a crew member’s benefit for set build, may or may not be required.
• The combining of the scenes from each dimension will also help the characters’ introduction. When the characters are introduced back and forth from each part of the story, it may be overwhelming for the producer reading the script. If the scenes are more combined in the beginning and more of each side is told at once, it will give the reader time to absorb the different characters and their place in the story.
• Give more clarification through the characters’ dialogue as to what is going on with each dimension. Is it the planet earth participating in virtual reality games that is controlled by one server which is a space ship or is it a dream land that one can place himself in and that is their virtual reality? Of course, you may want to make it to where the reader can set up an imagination of their own.
• I took it as Nanako and Melies as being some type of computer function being created by Baptiste, however, that may not be the case. If not, try to clarify them more, even though their presence is basically understandable as is…or is it?
• I am also assuming that the Smoke Raven was a creation-gone-wrong that Baptiste created or the major virus that crashed the server and killed many of the virtual reality participants and Baptiste is keeping it quarantined. Maya and Baptiste were somewhat confusing. If I had the chance to reread the script, it may all come to light, but even with these questionable aspects, the story is amazing. Think in the producer’s mind how he/she will be very busy and will need to grasp the concept pretty easily and define more without defining…if you know what I mean.

Below are specific questions I had when reading certain areas of the story. If the below questions are all I had for a script of this depth and imagination, that tells you how great the script was written. Hope the suggestions help and please keep me informed as to when it will be on the big screen! Congratulations on a job well done!

• Page 4 – This page with Sarah and Baptiste is confusing even after reading the entire script.
• First several pages up through 6 simply introduced too many characters in different realms. Combine the scenes as previously noted and let each group of characters stay a little longer in their part of the story from the start and throughout the finish. Especially at the start, drawing out their scene to include their next scene will give the character build a better understanding as to who everyone is.
• Page 7 – How does Hannah’s father know it is her if she entered on his password? Do the characters look like themselves?
• Too much happening on page 8. Clarify the position of Sam also.
• Page 10 – The sprouting of the legs and eyes seems too much like other sci-fi movies. Leave it as a bomb.
• Page 11 – Unclear where Kalyn goes. Does everyone have power to open portals?
• Page 12 – Scene = INT, however, Sam is in courtyard. How did he shoot them so easily if they were inside?
• Page 12 – All narrative
• Page 120 – Very confusing and I started losing understanding.

ABOUT JESSICA ROSE: Jessica is currently making her way to a full time screenwriting career. She completed a comedy/western feature film in January as a hired write and is excited about it’s production. Although new in the industry, she has several different screenwriting classes under her belt with some of the industry’s leading  producers and managers. Her current projects include comedy, drama, and horror genres. Jessica is available for hire to help critique your scripts. You may contact Jessica by joining her network on Stage32.com.

And now – after many a read-through – we have finally found our one winner and two runner-ups.

But before we get to the actual submissions, I’d like to take a moment to reflect on the importance of script coverage in the screenwriting process; the importance of second opinions and fresh eyes. As we were reading through synopsis after synopsis it became very clear that different readers responded to different things. The overall themes and story concept remained the same, but the character relationships, the rules of the Virtual Reality world, the motivations, the history – those seemed to materialize differently depending on the reader. And that’s an incredibly valuable insight to get as a writer, because then you know exactly which parts of the script you need to work on in order to produce that airtight final draft.

With that in mind it should also be noted that ‘script coverage’ can serve several different purposes. It can be the quick at-a-glance coverage used by studios to consider a recommend or a pass, based on a number of industry standard parameters. It can also be the meticulous read-through focused on identifying inconsistencies, typos or weak/strong plot points. And it can be more of a script consultation, which recommends specific changes to certain parts of your story that needs work, perhaps even puts your script into a pop-cultural context and suggests ways to make it stand out or fit in – depending on what you’re going for.

For this contest – a script coverage exercise focused on Before I Wake – we received all of the above. So without further comment, please enjoy the winning submissions below. You can still download the script here, if you would like a 128-page point of reference. Thanks to everyone who submitted!

WINNER: JAMES SADLER

LOGLINE: The daughter of a widowed soldier becomes intertwined in a complex plot involving an elderly virtual reality tycoon’s veiled experiments with artificial intelligence. As she becomes more embroiled into the action, she is thrust into a race against time to not only save the virtual world from a catastrophe, but also learn the secrets of her mysterious past.

SYNOPSIS: Two small girls, SARAH and NANAKO, run from the SMOKE RAVEN, trying to escape their pursuer by rapidly changing their virtual environment and slipping through improvised portholes. Thinking they have lost the raven, they play around on Nanako’s sailboat sanctuary before Sarah suddenly convulses and vanishes, leaving Nanako alone.

JEAN BAPTISTE sits at his desk and informs Sarah that she has failed him. Ignoring her pleas, he coldly terminates her with the push of a button, her body disintegrating into virtual particles.

During a virtual war game, HANNA TOLEN, a fiercely independent and mischievous 12-year-old wise beyond her years, keeps out of sight to watch the battle ensue. Although her K-9 companion, RAGS, urges her to be careful, Hanna is engulfed in the game, longing to join in.

Meanwhile, Hanna’s father, CONRAD, is leading his squad in an intense gun battle against a rival team. His squad mates, OKU and JIMMY, are taking fire from SAM, and his team, they recuperate for one last siege. However, when the squad is about to make their move, Hanna accidentally makes her presence known, and causes the game to grind to a stop.

STAN, the game referee, informs the squad that they are in violation because of Hanna’s illegal entrance in the game, and thus have to forfeit. However, both squads decide to keep playing, despite Hanna still being there. Upset at yet another rebellious hack by his daughter, Conrad shuns Hanna, but reluctantly allows her stay.

As the battle continues, Hanna wows everybody by levitating and using a fireball to level the competition. Although this extreme display of power and skill impresses all who witnessed it, when looking to her father for a sign of acknowledgement, he brushes her aside, still upset with her. They end the game and log out of the virtual reality to return to real life.

Back in reality, and in their home, Conrad further scolds Hanna, and then tells her to go visit her grandfather. As Hanna makes plans with Rags to go back in to the VR grid, Conrad escapes into a virtual memory where he visits with his deceased wife, JEANNIE.

As OKU, JIMMY, SAM, and the other players gradually adjust back into reality, a TV interview with CLAUDE, an associate of Baptiste, reveals the occurrence of a catastrophic “Crash” that killed millions of people years ago, and that people are hesitant to use the VR that Baptiste creates because of it. However, Claude assures that it has never been safer to use now.

Later on, Hanna visits her grandfather, RANSOM, who urges her to stop going into the virtual world against her father’s wishes. Despite his warnings, she is headstrong and determined, reminding him of Jeannie when she was alive. Again, he emphasizes that reality is real, while virtual reality is just a “dream world,” and that she should be more careful.

In Baptiste’s VR office, Baptiste watches as Nanako is engulfed by the Smoke Raven. In a hospital bed in reality, a NURSE watches as Nanako’s body in the real world dies, and she is “uploaded” into virtual reality as a from of artificial intelligence.

After making sure that Conrad is gone, Hanna sneaks back into the virtual world, first going to “Kidverse” and then creating a porthole out into the pirate server grid. Here, she is creating a castle, where her and Rags go to visit.

In her virtual sanctiuary, Nanako sits in her sailboat, roaming over a hologram of the opening scene with Sam, but is interrupted by Baptiste, telling her to do her exercises. As she is lead through a hallway and hesitates to open a door marked “DO NOT OPEN,” Claude comes in to inform Baptiste of a press conference. On his way out, he begins to glitch and spasms, revealing his body in the real world being that of an incredibly old man, barely hanging on to life. Once he is stable again, he continues about his business.

In Hanna’s castle, she meets MELIES, a mysterious figure surrounded by ghosts of the dead “Crash” victims, who offers Hanna a job, because of her unique skills. Although his proposition seems shady, and Hanna is reluctant to accept due to her father’s over-protective nature, she expresses interest after he mentions she may discover what happened to her mother. After this, Baptiste and the Smoke Raven sinisterly discuss finding another girl for his experiments.

After accidentally witnessing her mother’s death in the “Crash” when hacking into a virtual memory that Conrad was in, Hanna becomes more determined to find out the cause of it all, and decides to accept Melies’s job offer. Meanwhile, Baptiste holds a press conference and informs the public of a fund-raising gala being held at his tower to support further development of Baptiste’s software.

Hanna sneaks out of the house, ignoring Rags pleas for her to stay or for her to take him with her. Shortly after this, Conrad discovers Hanna is gone, but she has already reached her destination: Baptiste’s tower. She is escorted into a hospital room by the Nurse, and is put into the virtual world where she meets Baptiste, the Smoke Raven, and Nanako. As this is happening, Conrad is frantically calling around for Hanna’s whereabouts, and eventually calls Oku and Jimmy out of a game for their help. It is revealed that Melies’s “job” was for her to be drafted into Baptiste’s experiment, so that she could infiltrate and hack into his software.

As Conrad, Rags, and his squad attempt to track down Melies, Hanna and Nanako bond and become allies with the goal of destroying Baptiste once and for all. As they make their plans, Conrad and the gang find Melies. It is revealed that Baptiste’s experiments were to try to upload his dying wife, MAYA, into virtual reality as an AI so they could be together forever, but things went horribly wrong when the Smoke Raven, a security software, went haywire, not only destroying Maya, but eventually turning into a storm that caused the “Crash.” Melies also reveals that he is an AI created by Maya before she died, and that he is very lonely because there is no one else like him in existence.

Conrad and the squad make plans to infiltrate the gala to get Hanna back, while Hanna and Nanako makes plans to break into Baptiste’s office to steal valuable information. When they do, they see holograms that reveal Baptiste’s true motives, that the Smoke Raven was the “Crash,” and Nanako discovers that he turned her into an AI, thus making her unable to live in reality again.

Later, during the gala, Conrad and his squad, with Melies’s assistance, get into the tower and go to work trying to find Hanna. Meanwhile, Hanna and Nanako try to hack into Baptiste’s software, going through the “DO NOT OPEN” door to hack into the system.

During the reception, in a lush VR ballroom, Baptiste begins to glitch and convulse as he did before, except this time, his body is rapidly deteriorating. During the confusion, Conrad and his squad are able to get into Baptiste’s office and restricted floors, while Hanna and Nanako hack in and shut down Baptiste’s software system.

As Baptiste lay dying, the Smoke Raven detects the breaches by both parties, and leaves him to die. Conrad comes in and watches as Baptiste dies, both in reality as his body dies and in VR as he deteriorates into particles, unable to upload himself into an AI before dying.

With the system down and Baptiste dead, this leaves the Smoke Raven free to go on a rampage, with the potential to materialize into another “Crash” storm. In a climactic fight, everybody mounts a defense against the Smoke Raven, which threatens to engulf the city. During the fight, Rags is killed, but Melies and Nanako, bonding as fellow AIs, are finally able to defeat the Smoke Raven and save the day. This act allows the ghosts following Melies to be free, and concludes with the ghost of Jeannie embracing Conrad and Hanna for the last time. This experience brings father and daughter together, who embrace lovingly.

Six months later, the squad are back in the VR war game, and Hanna is fighting alongside Conrad, Oku, and Jimmy as part of the unit, finally accepted by her father.

COMMENTS AND GRADING SCALE:
5 – Excellent
4 – Very Good
3 – Good
2 – Fair
1 – Poor

STRUCTURE: Although I was able to understand what was going on clearly, despite the complex nature of the story, I felt that the constant switching from reality, to VR, to flashbacks was a bit tiresome. I think the main contributor to the problem was the fact that this switch happened so often, which could confuse and frustrate readers. Be that as it may, the action was clear and concise, which made it easier to read than most script of this nature.
GRADE: 3

CONCEPT: The interplay between all of these fantasy worlds was pretty cool, and most certainly has the potential to create beautiful imagery and an immersive film-going experience. That element alone make the script interesting, but the introduction of the human relationships within the film (specifically that of Hanna and Conrad) brings the film a more human element, which I thought was a nice touch. This mix of elements could appeal to a wide variety of audiences, with guys who dig sci-fi action, and those who enjoy family oriented stories getting something out of it.
GRADE: 4

CHARACTER: Although all of the characters had their motivations and goals very clearly presented, I couldn’t help but feel a little detached from the characters. I think this is due to lack of character development, in that each character tends to be stereotype with a little twist, rather than full fleshed out individuals. This is more prominent in the supporting characters (such as OKU and JIMMY), but is evident in the other characters, which is dangerous to the film’s overall success. This is especially important to address because one of the main driving forces of the film is love and relationships, and the thing that makes each of these subjects special are the people involved, their specific traits, how they interact or differ, etc. The characters, as presented, have a lot of potential to be more interesting and individual, rather than pawns in the game to move the plot along.
GRADE: 2.5

DIALOGUE: I have similar comments on the film’s dialogue as I did in my CHARACTER notes, in that I feel like there is potential for it to be more intimate and revealing, rather than used as nothing but a device to advance the plot. Again, this is a film that is not just an action film, but a film that chooses to investigate the relationship of complex characters, so more attention should be made on making the dialogue not only organic to the situation, but also in revealing character and even underlying themes in a subtle way. As it stands now, the dialogue is rather stale, where motivations are revealed also verbatim in some lines (ie, and I’m paraphrasing here, “I have to do this to find out about my mother’s death” and other lines of the sort), which is a poor way to use dialogue. Like I said with my CHARACTER notes, dialogue should be revised to make things more intimate and revealing, rather than as a pawn in the game.
GRADE: 2.5

THEMATIC CONTENT: Although this is primarily an sci-fi/action script with virtual worlds, gun battles, etc., I was able to detect a few themes that may or may not have been intended by the writers, which I responded very positively to. I really enjoyed how the film always came down to being about Conrad and Hanna’s relationship, and how the death of Jeannie tested each of them as individual characters. In the end, the themes of love, acceptance, letting go of the past, and other universally relatable themes shined through all the explosions and virtual reality stuff. I also liked how the characters of Conrad and Baptiste both juxtaposed and were similar in how they dealt with the death of a loved one, which emphasized these themes in an interesting way. I only hope that these themes are expressed more intimately and in a deeper way, rather than an overt attention spent on the whole “virtual reality vs. reality” thing, and over reliance on action over emotions.
GRADE: 3.5

GENERAL COMMENTS: This script has a lot of potential to be really special, but is hindered by a few common problems. The main problem (besides the ones I mentioned before about emphasis on action over emotion) is that the film suffers from what I refer to as the “And then..” method of storytelling. To me, instead of the film’s events intricately weaving in and out of each other organically, the script went on and on and on (“So this happens, and then this, and then this, and then this, and then this…” ad infinitum), which made it tiresome to read for 128 pages. It also tended to rely too much on revealing information through flashbacks and explicitly saying key plot points, rather than having things play out. Be that as it may, I found the script to be really cool, overall, and presents a unique spin on the tired “virtual reality action flick” sub-genre that has gained popularity recently.

RECOMMENDATION: Yes, I would recommend it, based on the strength of the concept, but would suggest further revisions to increase the project’s potential. Otherwise, I think this could make for an entertaining, thrilling, yet moving and personal film.

CONTACT JAMES SADLER: If you wish to employ James’ script reading services, you can contact him here.

RUNNER-UP: NADA KOLLOVA

LOGLINE: In the world where real and virtual lives blend, teenage girl has to fight real and virtual enemies in order to find out what happened to her dead mother.

STORY COMMENTS: This story gets off to an intriguing start, where we are immediately introduced to the ordinary world of the characters and the rules under which this world operates. The antagonists in this world are represented by ‘smoke raven’ (p.1) and Baptiste (p.4), who for some reasons ‘terminate’ little girls. The dark world smoothly transitions into a game sequence in virtual reality (VR), where the main protagonist, 12 year old girl Hanna, has the proper hero’s introduction (p.5) by blasting everything with her ‘own personal cyclone of bullets’ showing off her impressive skills. This part is full of action and funny and together with the setting well underlines the sci-fi/action-adventure feeling tone of the piece.

After the energetic start, the story then moves through several sequences that do not contribute much to the story and slow down the promising dynamics from the beginning. First, Hanna meets her grandpa when we don’t learn anything else what we already know (Hanna’s mom died in suspicious circumstances and pirate servers are dangerous). Then we continue to the ‘Kidverse’ sequence, where the daily life of common people happens. Although visually appealing, its main purpose is just to advertise the possibility of the VR (spelling bees, bluebird offering tutoring). As very common in teen girls’ stories, we also meet mean girls, who are jealous of the Hanna because the popular guy takes interest in her. In addition, the flashback scene where Hanna picks-up her dog Rags as a puppy seems only to be inserted to evoke the proper sentimental feeling. Similarly, the flashback where Hanna picks up her (virtual) dog as puppy seem to belong to the same sentiment evoking category.

Due to these sequences the overall pacing slows down and the call to action does not happen until p. 43, when the goal is declared and Hanna decides to take the job to get into Baptiste main tower and to find out what happened to her mother. The real tension starts again at p. 54 when Hanna enters the tower and we know there is some sort of sick experiment going on involving little girls. The pressure then raises steadily until midpoint, when we find out how are the girls killed – to be transferred from their body form into A.I. The underlying backstories involving flashbacks of Hanna’s mom’s death, the Crash, Baptiste creating raven, are surprising, well interwoven and continue to raise pressure.

The ending is the most dynamic part with skillfully graduated tension achieved by parallel montage of actions (girls getting into the main room to disconnect the shield / saviors coming to rescue / Raven chasing them / Baptiste trying to complete his dangerous plan). These are accompanied by backstory flashbacks providing the necessary feelings of time pressure and danger hanging over the main protagonist. However, the ending and emotional pay-off is affected by the logical arguments lying behind the motivation of the characters. If Baptiste’s behavior was motivated by love (to stay with the love of his life, Maya, forever) and because of that he needs to transform from the living form into A.I., then it remains unclear why he needs little girls to test it? Why doesn’t he ‘use’ adult women that would be more similar to Maya? And even if the test would be successful, isn’t Maya already dead for a long time that it does not matter anymore? Nanako made the transformation so the transition was successful in a way, so why did Baptiste need Hanna again? Why are people going crazy when transitioning into A.I. anyway? Too many questions remain unanswered for the viewer to enjoy the very interesting action part at the end of the story.

The main protagonist is portrayed as the cool girl well equipped for the living in the modern technology world that is full of predators as in every other world. Her motivation is believable, but her story of half-orphan investigating how the mother died is not an intriguing hook. She does have some interesting skills and is proactively pursuing the goal, but the final resolution is not brought by her as the main protagonist, but her helpers Nanako and Melies, who manage to destroy the raven. In addition, the character’s growth is not extensive. This is not an outsider becoming savior, or character growing internally by overcoming some sort of personal barrier. Hanna’s point of view does not change much from the beginning toward resolution and although she learns about her mother, she does not discover much about herself. The internal conflict typically stands in opposition with external conflict and the hero’s weaknesses are typically exposed and tested by antagonist. At times Hanna seems to be too perfect. Yes, she is stubborn and does not listen to her father, but that only makes her look more cool. Great heroes are like all human beings, they all have weak points in addition to their strengths. They struggle within themselves. Now we may argue that internal conflict is not crucial for action/adventure film for teenagers, nevertheless the serious moral message (no love can last forever) is present, but it is carried out by the antagonist and her father who find that out at the end of the story. Hanna then remains rather static and for this reason is at times overshadowed by supporting characters (Baptiste, Nanako, Melies)

The villain, as mentioned, is a strong and fight-worthy opponent. His motivation why he needs a girl for the A.I. transformation is not clearly explained, but the revelation that it was the good intention to stay with his love forever was what brought the misery to him and to the world makes him an interesting character. He had to create raven and send him to kill Maya when things went wrong and this carries strong emotional appeal. The rest of the supporting characters also represent interesting and relatable archetypical types – Melies (mentor), raven (shadow), ghosts (supernatural interventions), Jimmy & Oku (helpers), etc., which makes them rather easy to distinguish. However, the number of characters is rather excessive and not all of them are crucial for progress of the story (Ransom, Max). On the other hand, they are well characterized even on the short space provided, of which Sam is the most remarkable providing the comical relief.

Although well distinguished in terms of age and personality, the dialogue does not provide great difference among the characters, who all seem to use similar way of speaking. The dialogue usually does reveal new information for the story but its quality varies greatly during the course of the story. On few occasions it is ‘on the nose’ lacking any subtext: “Keep following your heart. Listen to your gut. Never look back.” Or “CONRAD: Do you think she’s suffering? Jeannie? MELIES: I don’t know. But all I feel from them is emptiness. They are lost, Conrad. And together, perhaps, we will find a way to release them.” On other occasions, however, it provides interesting insight: “Regulation is the price of comfort and safety. People are usually willing to give up small freedoms in exchange for comfort.”

The setting of the story is original and offers many possibilities for memorable visual portrayal but would apparently require employment of great deal of CGI to bring the story to life. Alternatively, if the amount of subplots and elements present in the story were intended more for series than a feature film, animation could also be a solution (the art concept as well as the story itself does suggest anime influence). The VR world outlined in this script has provided some original visualization of known concepts – pc virus portrayed as smoky raven, violation messages and emoticons in the game, and firewall brought down by fire. The setting also provides attractive visual metaphors, e.g. Baptiste shown as god in ‘god’s office’ as he in fact is playing god deciding who should live and who should die. Similarly, few children’s fantasies were also brought to life (having my own castle or ship).

On the other hand, the depiction of the environment causes confusion regarding organization of elements in the space. For example, the transition from ‘reality’ into VR is not always clear, which makes our orientation in space difficult. Page 31 depicts virtual reality within virtual reality when Claude and Baptiste are watching Nanako on the screen and Claude also coming from the screen (the same one?). Also, due to amount of various places the characters have to go through, it is hard for the audience to distinguish who is where and doing what. Further example is description of how the ‘giant spaceship’ is related/attached to Baptiste office. And how is the ‘giant golden tree’ implemented into the spaceship? Also, too many individual stages girls have to go through to get into Baptiste office prevent us from understanding of their organization within the Baptiste tower/VR offices. Despite the fact we are in VR where everything is possible, it could be harder to grasp for production and maybe further description or color distinguishing of individual areas would help to solve the confusion.

Among other elements affecting the clarity of the script (besides the character’s motivation affecting the ending as mentioned above) there are further questions that remained unanswered:

• Why exactly did Sarah have to die? What is it exactly that ‘compromised her’? Was it her inability to fight raven? But raven was created to control her (and Maya) not vice versa?
• Why did Maya create Melies? Was it to keep her memory alive? But he was individual ‘person’ and he did not store Maya’s personality.
• Why does raven need a ‘red parachute’ (p.78) to fly away from twisting staircase Hanna created? Can’t he fly as shown before and after during the final fight?
• How can raven kill people hooked on VR like in actual world?

As result of these ambiguities, the focus is aimed at answering additional questions what/where/how/why instead of ‘experiencing the story’.

Regarding the overall emotional appeal, the story also evokes an influence of various notoriously known films – people who die in VR also die in real life (Matrix), extraordinary places created by imagination (Inception), violent games played for audience amusement (Hunger games) and also anime-adventure according to story and concept art provided. The setting of this world is quite unique and the script contains trends very relevant for today’s world – living virtual life and returning to real one only to fulfill the basic needs and responsibilities. Also, the story also addresses some interesting issue – does end really justify the means? Love as the main reason for the villain doing bad things is rather original. However, the plot does not contain enough unique features for successful marketing, mainly due to:

• Average story concept related to:
  • The hook of the story – girl to reveal who killed her mother
  • Unclear target audience – the main character narrows the audience to younger females but the overall theme (eternal love/life) might be harder to grasp for younger audiences. In addition, if portrayed in the current ‘anime’ style, this might limit the audience even more – anime is aimed at predominantly male audience (although the female fan base is still growing)
• Subplots – foreseeable romantic motifs (Jimmy and Oku, Max and mean girls vs Hanna, Jeannie and Conrad’s flashbacks), grandpa Ransom limited contributed to the story
  • (Present material could be considered for TV series, where this plots could be more elaborated to gain bigger purpose for their existence (the ending also foreshadows sequel))
• The call for action and tension in the character’s journey coming very late
• Insufficient clarity (space orientation, motivation, etc.)
• Length of the script
• Excessive budget required for production of this script (if CGI scenario)

This is a story taking place in an original and interesting place with standardly handled characters and very dynamic ending. However, further elaboration would be required in order to improve its commercial appeal.

Additional points to consider:

• 81 states:” We see the moment she was uploaded, her body on the same bed as Nanako and Hanna dying before them.” I believe it was supposed to be Sarah, as Hanna did not die in this story.
• 72 – People hooked on breathing tubes might have difficulties to speak (Maya speaking to Baptiste)

SCRIPT RATING: Pass

CONTACT NADA KOLLOVA: If you wish to employ Nada’s script reading services, you can contact her here.

RUNNER-UP: MARIANO GEMIGNANI

CONCEPT/THEME: Flexibility is the key word here. Everything is possible within VR, and this plays out beautifully. Hanna and Nanako can do and undo as they please, seamlessly translating thought into action. This gives a feeling of flow which creates a strong sense of immersion. Creativity at its peak.

The attractiveness of this universe is definitely one of this script’s assets. While I was reading it the visualization of the images described was a true pleasure. I can see a huge potential for eye candy here. However, this vast creation has a few setbacks worth mentioning.

During the reading I had to make an effort to put the characters and their motivations into context. There is plenty of exposition surrounding events like “The Crash”, but no explanation of key facts such as how does the VR work, what’s its purpose, how do the characters interact with it, what are the dangers of dying there, etc. There is an urgent need for more information that would make the spectator more comfortable and smooth the introduction of the movie. The first sequence being as amusing as it is, it could easily be replaced by a sequence in which more background information is given.

On a deeper level, it took me a while to identify what was Hanna’s dramatic conflict. The force that pushes her to embark on the adventure is almost unnoticeable during the first pages of the script. There are hints of Hanna’s worries about her mother and her past, but these don’t show enough depth to trigger all the story’s potential.

I’d suggest rewriting the first act keeping in mind that including a scene in which the theme is clearly stated would be a huge improvement. Once the spectator knows what is Hanna’s quest and why this is important for her, everything that follows will fall in place. SPOILER ALERT: In the first scene of Guardians of the Galaxy, Peter Quill’s dying mom asks him to “hold his hand” and he doesn’t. In the end he overcomes his fear of trusting others and this is what triggers Ronan’s defeat. Theme stated and conflict established, all in one scene.

STORY: On the story level, there are a couple of comments to be made on structure. While I was reading the script, I couldn’t shake off the feeling that I was reading two scripts, one being very different from the other one. The fracture happens at the midpoint, when Hanna decides to accept the mission that Melies proposes.

The difference between the two parts of the script is evident specially in terms of pace.

Before the midpoint, the action lags. I found some scenes to be inconclusive in terms of what they left me as a spectator. I couldn’t really interpret them. I kept on thinking “How has this scene enriched my perspective? What do I know now that I ignored before?”. When this happens repeatedly, the script’s momentum takes a toll. It’s difficult to follow the action and there is a vague sensation of being lost, without proper knowledge of where the story is taking us. I consider the best example of this “disruption” the sequences of the first VR battle and the one involving Sarah’s death. These two are completely unrelated in immediate terms.

On the other hand, after Conrad and his crew crash the party and Hanna and Nanako start progressing towards the security system, the action never stops. Both group of characters progress to their goals, finding obstacles and struggling to arrive to their destination to coincide in an exciting final battle that leaves no loose ends. It would be great if the first half of the script could share this sense of continuity too.

As a potential way to fix this, I’d recommend analyzing scripts in which the story is perfectly threaded. I can think of at least two true masterpieces that do this. Aside from the purpose of improving this script and this writer’s craft, they’re also great to watch. I’m talking about The Usual Suspects and Basic Instinct.

As a second point for improvement I would have to say that the setup is excessively long. Melies proposes the mission in page 38. This means that, in footage time, a potential spectator has been sitting at a cinema for 38 minutes unsure of what the movie is about. This is definitely a big drawback. Just to clarify this, I’m not saying that everything should be said in the first ten pages. I try not to apply rigid rules to the art of storytelling. But even if the story is a masterpiece, 38 minutes of uncertainty simply feels like too much.

CHARACTERS: In my opinion, this is a part of the script which doesn’t need much work. Overall the characters are well established and developed. Hanna is a determined protagonist that is willing to go all the way to find out about the shaded areas of her past. In the same way, Conrad is willing to do anything as long as he can rescue her daughter. Baptiste is a good antagonist that shows determination in preserving his empire. Aside from Baptiste’s own personality, the tasks that Conrad and Hanna have to tackle are very, very challenging. This forces them to change, adapt, and meet in the end as different people, but still feeling related to each other.

As a minor point to improve, Conrad’s lines can come across as too blunt at times. It would be great if the writer could rewrite the script to add Conrad a bit of subtext. Sometimes silence can be more effective than words, and more often than not less is more when it comes to dialogue.

EVALUATION SUMMARY: Overall, I have to say reading this script was an enjoyable experience. It took me a while to have a full grasp of the universe, its rules and the context in which the story occurs. As a consequence, I wasn’t really rooting for Hanna and Conrad until I found out what was really going on. After everything was explained, following the story was a blast. The last battle is definitely one of the moments in which the tension was well built, leading to a wonderful climax.

However, I don’t think this should be the final draft. At the current state, the flaws this script has make it a very good draft to be reworked, rather than a sealed, completed product. I can definitely see that this story has potential to become a great story. Being a writer myself, I’m well aware of how demanding the writing process is.

I’d like to finish this review on a Hemingway quote I find extremely suitable for the occasion: “The only kind of writing is rewriting”

CONTACT MARIANO GEMIGNANI: If you wish to employ Mariano’s script reading services, you can contact him here.

We’re thrilled to announce another contest here on 20 Questions Film. This time we’re challenging you to do a good, old-fashioned script coverage of the feature film script, Before I Wake, written by our very own Joe Crump and Rachel Noll.

*** THE DEADLINE FOR SUBMITTING YOUR ENTRY IS FRIDAY, MAY 8 AT MIDNIGHT (PST) ***

First thing’s first. You can download the script here.

Next, this is what you would need to do:

1. Read the script. Obviously.
2. Write an evaluation that is 1 to 3 pages long (single spaced). The evaluation should be focused on the story, characters and theme, but I would be interested in any other thoughts that strike you about it as well.
3. Upload your submission via the form below.

Your feedback must be honest; no one will be offended if it is negative. Either way, give suggestions on what you think would improve the script. After all, that’s what script coverage is all about, isn’t it?

The winning coverage, as well as notable mentions, will be posted on this website as an inspiration to our community of filmmakers, and it is our hope that different takes on the same script will teach us all a bit about how to approach script coverage in general.

And if the gift of knowledge isn’t enough, go ahead and enter for the money you might win.

The winning submission will be paid $200.

The submissions chosen for 2nd and 3rd place will be paid $50 each.

Even if your coverage is not chosen among the top three, we may – with your permission, of course – post your entry on the site and are happy to facilitate any contact between you and readers who may want to employ your script coverage services for themselves.

Remember, the winning submissions will not necessarily be the most flattering ones. They will be the most relevant and thorough. If you need a bit of visual inspiration, check out some initial concept art here.

*** THE DEADLINE FOR SUBMITTING YOUR ENTRY IS FRIDAY, MAY 8 AT MIDNIGHT (PST) ***

Happy reading. Happy writing. And good luck!